Dear CNN, Fox, NBC, Google, Yahoo, ESPN, and everyone on Facebook or Twitter,
As you might have heard, the Olympics began this weekend in London. Today was the first day of events and I was very eager to watch Michael Phelps swim in his first race. As you have reminded me every day leading up to the Olympics, he is going for the career Olympic medal record. With his race taking place in London, there is a time difference of six hours effecting when these events would be shown, so I was a bit bummed out when knowing that I would not be able to watch it live. I was happy, though, when I was informed that this event would be shown uninterrupted in prime time. All I had to do was wait for it to air and I would know the result!
Then I looked at the internet.
As it turns out, I was the only person who wanted to wait to find out that Michael Phelps lost. Everywhere I looked, people were reporting the result. Even the news broadcast directly BEFORE the Olympics were set to air spoiled it.
As a result of this, I would like to kindly ask a favor of you.
DON’T TELL ME WHO WINS UNTIL IT HAS AIRED ON TV! ESPECIALLY YOU, NBC! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO IS MAKING ME WAIT UNTIL PRIMETIME TO WATCH THE RACE, SO LETTING THE NBC NIGHTLY NEWS REPORT THE RESULTS OF THE VERY RACE YOU ARE PLANNING ON AIRING SEEMS TO BE A BAD PLAN! IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT KANSAS CITY IS IN A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE THAN LONDON! I DIDN’T DESIGN THE FREAKING WORLD! ALL I WANT TO DO IS WATCH THE RELEVANT SPORTING EVENTS WITHOUT YOU RUINING EVERYTHING, YOU BIG STUPID MORONIC DUMB IDIOTIC FOOLISH DENSE IGNORANT NUMBSKULLS! YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT IF PEOPLE RUINED THINGS FOR YOU, SO IN THE NAME OF BEING FAIR, I WOULD LIKE TO LET YOU KNOW BRUCE WILLIS WAS DEAD, ROSEBUD WAS CITIZEN KANE’S SLED, ED NORTON AND BRAD PITT PLAYED THE SAME CHARACTER IN “FIGHT CLUB,” DARTH VADER WAS LUKE’S FATHER, NORMAN BATES IS THE MURDERER AND HIS MOM IS VERY DEAD, AND JR DYING IN “DALLAS” WAS ALL A DREAM!
I hope you learned something here.
- You: Michael Phelps: Why Lighter Race Load Will Pay Huge Dividends (bleacherreport.com)
- Olympics 2012 Schedule: First Race Looms for Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte (bleacherreport.com)
- Phelps in pursuit of historic medal haul (espn.go.com)
- Michael Phelps won’t march with USA? (msn.foxsports.com)
- Phelps is more relaxed, calls London ‘closure’ (espn.go.com)
- Phelps says he’s having more fun at final Olympics (nbcsports.msnbc.com)
- Michael Phelps v Ryan Lochte – who is the greatest Olympic swimmer? | Andy Bull (guardian.co.uk)
- He reigned for the last two Games but Michael Phelps may now have to get used to the bitter taste of defeat (standard.co.uk)
- Michael Phelps: Ready for London games? (cbsnews.com)