Nothing is bigger in America than football. People love football. There is something about the potential of debilitating injury from being hit by a 300 pound man that seems to get everyone interested.
This love of football, though, can become a problem for some. Since the season lasts six months, the most football crazed must find a way to fill the other six months.
Because of this incessant need to talk about football, the NFL draft has become an event that people actually care about.
With the draft wrapped up this weekend, now these nut jobs will be talking about the potential of these players until training camp starts in late July. This can lead to a lot of boring conversation for the non-football fan in the office. People can begin to feel left out.
Fortunately, you don’t have to. Talking about the NFL draft is easy. Come Monday, when the office sports fanatic wants to discuss the Cincinnati Bengals’ Fourth round pick, you can jump into the conversation with ease.
All you need to remember is no one actually knows anything about the draft. If they did, they would be working for at home polishing their collection of Super Bowl rings instead of repeating whatever it was that one of the talking heads on ESPN said. It’s all about confidence. By following these four steps, you too can talk about something the draft with such certainty that no one will doubt you.
1. Pick a name
The first step will require a slight bit of homework. Look at the list of drafted players. Then, pick any name that was drafted. (Kickers and punters don’t count as football players, so they won’t count here either.)
You will not need to know anything about the player you choose besides their name and the team they were drafted by. Then, when someone wants to talk about the draft, you can say “You know, I think that (player’s name) was a steal. He will really help the (team’s name) this season. They really needed a player like that.”
See how easy it is? Since there are very few people who know every player in the draft, you can get away with this for the entire offseason.
For added effect, choose any player drafted in the first round. Then, when the conversation continues further say this: “I can’t believe the (team’s name) drafted (player’s name) so early. What a bunch of morons.”
If you are able to master both of these sentences, you could not only be seen as a knowledgeable football fan, but you could actually work as a draft analyst for most sports networks.
2. Stick to your guns
One thing football fans love to do is debate. At some point, someone will disagree with one of the two statements you have memorized. It’s inevitable. There is only one thing to do in this situation.
Repeat yourself over and over.
“I can’t believe the New York Jets drafted Quinton Coples so early. What a bunch of morons.”
“Coples is a great pick! What the @#$# are you talking about?”
“It was too early to pick Coples.”
“He is a great pick!”
“It was too early.”
The conversation can go on like this for days. Eventually, though, your antagonist will have had enough and will just say “We’ll see.” This is internationally recognized as admitting defeat and saying that you are, indeed, a great football mind.
3. Don’t be afraid to spout off nonsense
If step 2 is taking too long to wrap up, feel free to bring up stats. You don’t need to actually know anything about the player’s stats, mind you. No, all you must know is the following statement:
“Did you see what they did at the combine?”
The combine is a place where all of these NFL players try to prove that they are athletic enough to try to catch a ball thrown in their general direction or to hit the person trying to catch the ball. 99% of football fans know nothing about a players combine performance, so they will not even attempt to argue with you.
If they do argue, though, it must mean that this player did something very impressive. If this is the case just tell them you think it was a major fluke. Then condescendingly take a sip of coffee to punctuate your statement. That should end any doubts your coworker had about what you were saying, plus you got a delicious sip of coffee out of the deal.
4. Be prepared
Sometimes, though, the conversation will go a place you did not expect. You must be prepared for this possibility.
Whenever someone does try to prove you wrong and begins to use real statistics, something you were far too busy to care about, just shake your head and repeat the following:
“I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
This is not admitting that you don’t actually know. This is just saying “Hey, you might be right. I also might be right. How about that?”
If all of this seems like too much work just to fit in, all you have to do is repeat the following line: “I don’t care at all because I have a life.” This will guarantee you will not have to discuss the NFL draft ever again.
In fact, this is a much easier way around the NFL draft discussions. You should probably just go with this to begin with.
- 2012 NFL Draft: Why Jets Took Quinton Coples over Melvin Ingram (bleacherreport.com)
- NFL Draft 2012: Quinton Coples Could ‘Drop Like Melting Icicle’ (kansascity.sbnation.com)
- 2012 NFL Draft Results: Colts Select Lavon Brazill In Sixth Round (indiana.sbnation.com)
- Peter Konz Talks About Being Drafted By The Falcons (atlanta.sbnation.com)