Guy Fieri: I'm Supposed To Take Food Advice From a Guy Who Looks Like That?

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I like to eat.

As an American, this is not an abnormal fondness. We eat all the time. We are the country that invented the Bacon milkshake and the deep-fried ________(You can really put anything in this space. We have seriously fried everything.). Our gas stations have a spot where you can add chili and cheese to anything you want. Sure, they will say it’s for hot dogs, but if you wanted to dump that stuff on a Snickers bar, I don’t think anyone would stop you.

When we aren’t eating, we are thinking about eating. We created a channel so that you can watch people talking about food while you are eating food.

Yes, someone had the foresight to combine the two things people like me love: food and TV. And what a glorious combination it is. I can watch people create giant cupcake towers or watch someone try to devour a five-pound hamburger (Spoiler Alert: He chokes to death on a pickle the size of a loafer).

While these shows are great, there is one that towers above all others. It makes all other food related television programming seem like watching paint dry.

It is “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.”

Ever since this show premiered, I have been obsessed. Each episode, a portly man in an ugly shirt goes to a restaurant that most people would assume is pretty terrible. Once there, he shows you that the food is actually not pretty terrible but very good. He demonstrates this by taking giant bites of each specialty item and then trying to talk with his mouth full.

This show tells the stories of restaurants that have been owned by the same family for sixty years or stories about restaurants that defied the odds to become a local hotspot. You can see menu items you never would have dreamed of like a Tempura battered Wasabi Burger or a Deep-Fried _________ (Once again, anything you want to put here.).

All the while, though, there is a part of me that gets so angry at this show. As I slobber over a smoked pork loin, I find myself wanting to jump off of the couch, punch my fist through the TV, and run out into the street screaming “WHY?!”

The reason for this random and disturbingly violent reaction would have nothing to do with the restaurants themselves. Sure, some are ridiculous and combine ingredients that are so strange that even a starving African child would be skeptical to take a taste. That is their prerogative as restaurateurs. If they want to make food that looks like it may or may not have been scooped out of the garbage, that’s fine.

No, the blame for this reaction goes completely to host Guy Fieri.

Ever since the first episode of “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives,” I have had an issue with this man. To understand, one must first look at Guy Fieri himself:

As you can see, Guy looks very irritating. The show revolves around this man shoving food items into his mouth. In case you can’t find it, it is the gaping hole in his head next to his dyed goatee.

Guy is every bit as annoying as he looks in this picture. He fistbumps everyone and says things like “Money!” or “That’s Off the Hook!” Often times, you will find those terrible sunglasses he is wearing providing UV protection to the back of his head because everyone knows if you aren’t wearing your sunglasses over your eyes, they should be protecting your scalp.

Despite this over grown Ed Hardy model, I can’t help but enjoy this show. It makes no sense. Everything indicates that I should hate every second of this program, but I don’t. It just doesn’t add up. There is only one reasonable explanation.

Guy Fieri is a wizard.

How else could you explain the fact that I have never once turned off an episode of this show in the middle despite my overwhelming hatred for people wearing shirts with flames on them? Why in the world would I watch a husky man try to fit an entire tuna melt in his mouth if there wasn’t some sort of magic involved?

So Guy, please set me free from this spell. Whatever it is, I don’t want to watch you anymore. I don’t want to have any more dreams about hot wings or bacon wrapped hot dogs or deep-fried _____ (Seriously, name one food that hasn’t been fried. I bet you that, somewhere, someone has fried that food. It’s a bit ridiculous.).

I want to return to the simpler days, a time when I ate and I watched TV, not when I watched to TV to decide what to eat. I want to watch shows where people have naturally colored facial hair and a nice reasonable plaid shirt.

Whatever it takes to release me from your evil spell, I will do it. Do you want Anthony Bourdain’s head? You got it. Would you like me to hunt down Paula Deen? It shouldn’t be that hard. All that butter has to have slowed her running speed severely.

Please release me.

Also, do you know a good place around Kansas City to get a great reuben? I’ve been craving corned beef lately and…

Crap! He’s sucked me in again!

Darn you, FIERI!

Related articles

• WATCH: Guy Fieri Eating In Reverse (huffingtonpost.com)
• Go Big or Go Home (carpebootium.wordpress.com)
• The Stir: Guy Fieri Jewelry Line Makes Us Question His Taste (huffingtonpost.com)
• Boulevard Diner Gets Spotlight On The Food Network (baltimore.cbslocal.com)
• Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri lead celebrities in new TV competition (celebritytreat.com)