Dear Spam Filter

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Nathan. I am a person who uses the internet frequently, both receiving and sending emails. I also do a lot of blogging.

This may seem to be a random non sequitur to you, but there is a reason I bring this up. Because of these particular activities, I seem to be receiving a lot of spam messages.

Now, I know you have a spam filter activated on my accounts. That’s great. You have no idea how much I appreciate the effort you have put into keeping these messages from me. This effort, however, seems to be falling very short.

For instance, I have, every day for the last two weeks, received an email about my eHarmony account. Now, since I have never had an eHarmony account, I am very confused by this. How could I have received a phantom eHarmony profile? Also, while we’re on the subject do you happen to know what that profile says? I would hate to be misrepresented by someone saying that I enjoy “shaking my tail feathers” when I, in fact, do not. I have no tail feathers and, even if I did possess this bird-like attribute, shaking them would be the last thing I would ever do.

Even weirder are the invitations for other dating sites I have been getting. I have never been Black, Hispanic, Jewish, Asian, Gay, or female. That means that invitations to websites like Latino-Connection or Far-East Dating are not only a waste of my time, but also a waste of everyone’s time. I, quite simply, will never ever sign up on these sites unless reincarnation turns out to be true and I come back as a person who is either non-Caucasian, non-heterosexual, or non-male. If that turns out to be the case, than I guess these sites have the most advanced marketing anyone has ever seen.

According to my email account, I am also the luckiest person in the world. I have won approximately 437 iPads, 1320 Dell Computers, and 900 lotteries that I don’t even remember entering. Normally, I would be excited to win any of these things. I, however, am not. Do you know why?

The answer is because I didn’t win ONE THING. Not one. Since your spam blocker has allowed these through, though, I am constantly reminded that I possess no tablet computer or new laptop and that I will never, ever, ever be given $50 million. It makes me sad. Your spam blocker is, on a daily basis, causing me great pain and anguish.

For future reference, you may block any of the following:

Emails from people named “XYXYXJJDUIWE.” All of my friends and acquaintances have real names, so this is not a person I know.

Emails with subjects that say things such as “I’m not interested in football — Bare Naturalism” or “Nice to meet you — Panty Shots.” Clearly the two thoughts do NOT seem to go together. If someone is declaring their dislike for a sport, than offering anything “bare,” it is something I do not plan on reading.

Emails that have declared me the winner of anything. I’m not ever going to win anything, so just plan on that being spam.

Emails trying to sell me construction equipment, membership to a dating site, a water filter, tarot cards, spy equipment, or a credit card. I do not want, or need, any of these things. Well, maybe the spy equipment, but only if my career as a P.I. finally takes off.

In conclusion, if you do not do your job and block these, I will be forced to continue filling up your inbox with these emails. As you can see, getting unsolicited emails can be really annoying.

I guess that’s what we call getting a taste of your own medicine, you jerks.

Love,

Nathan

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